CT Scan Result

No words can describe the overwhelming gratitude as I heard the Oncologist said that the cancers in the liver have shrunk greatly. This time as she showed me the result by comparing the films of the recent and the previous one, she said: Alhamdulillah, I am so happy Dalilah!

I wiped my face as my lips trembled uttering the gratitude to God. MH who was with me at that time was happy too. All this is the proof and sign that Allah listens to our prayers, yours and mine. This is a sign that He loves us no matter how our situation and condition is.

God mentioned in the Qur'an that If we remember Him, He'll remember us. I always mention this in my talk that if we walk to God, God will run to us... that is an analogy I always use to indicate the speed of Allah's love to us.

The doctor mentioned that I can now continue with the 5th cycle of the chemo. The full blood count was also very good. I'll start having the Xeloda tomorrow morning, 4 pills in the morning and 3 pills at dinner time.

The cancer marker test also have gone down. Even though it is still far from the safest line (normal is 31) as it is now 59.6 and the last one was 60.7, I took the news as one milestone too. One indicator that it is going down.

My oncologist was happy to see I don't get affected so much with chemo drugs. The darkened skin is not a big issue, her concern is the chapped and cracked skin and palms as many have experience that as the bad side effect. That is an indication, if we seek help from Allah to ease us, He'll ease us.

I am thankful for all these. To be able to have the insight and see the blessings that Allah gives in my trying times. True as Allah mentioned in Surah Ar-Rad verse 28: Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the rememberance of Allah; for without in the rememberance of Allah, do hearts find satisfaction (Tafseer Abdullah Yusuf Ali).

I told my Mom and Dad the good news. They are all happy. I told my boys, and my little one shout jubilantly and hugged me: Yeayyy... this is good news. Alhamdulillah. I'll continue praying Mom so it will be completely gone. Then he shouted at his brother: Abang, kanser Mommy dah kecut... kita doa banyak ye bang, Allah dengar doa kita... (Brother, Mom's cancer cells have shrunk, we must continue praying a lot, Allah listens to our prayers).

This is a happy news. So whatever I have practise I must continue doing. Total submission to God, find peace and deeper faith, more greens, more positivity, more happiness.

"Ya Allah, aku bersyukur dengan nikmat dan hikmah yang Kau beri dari dugaan besar ini. Aku mohon dengan rahmatMu, Kau berilah pertolongan bagi setiap kesukaran dan permasalahanku. Jadikan aku hambaMu yang sentiasa mendambakanMu. Jauhkan aku dari riyak takbur dan tinggi diri bagi setiap bahagia yang Kau beri. Aku mohon keampunanMu, aku mohonkan kesembuhan dariMu... Kau rahmati dan berkati semua yang telah mendoakanku, membantuku hanya Kau yang mengetahui setiap keikhlasan yang tersisip...Kau kabulkan doaku ini ya Tuhan yang Maha Mengasihi... Amiin Ya Robbal Alamin."

I am blessed to have had all of you, your willingness to walk with me, help me get up in my down time, pray for me and take all efforts to ease my burden. Dearest brothers and sisters, words can't still describe my thankfulness... the least I can do is to have you all in my prayers for the continued blessings and love to be bestowed upon each on of you....

Thank you for being the needed shoulders...

An Awesome Show: Cuci The Musical

Cuci The Musical - the awesome and superb funny musical show. The actors and actresses had performed a great dedication to making it a success. I am not a professional critique but if my boys can still remember the slapstick dialogues and I still can laugh thinking about it, that to me is a yardstick to a great presentation. Kudos and bravo to all of them!

We arrived an hour early and we took the opportunity to snap some photos around Istana Budaya - the world class stage of performing arts. Idris had less expectation about the show but Adam had shown a deeper interest into it especially because he understood what a musical performance is all about (like the High School Musical Movie of sort).

As we entered the hall and took our seats, we noticed a couple of the famous faces of the industry - Shuhaimi Baba and Kavita Kaur. As the curtain drew, Idris leaned forward to indicate his interest of the show had started. Then the dialogues started and we laughed and laughed and laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks.

The spontaneous conversations between these four funny men: Afdlin, Awie, AC and Hans showed that they need not a script for the show. The body languages and the verbal lashings between them were darn funny. I kept on laughing almost on the entire show.

When they sang... I was deeply mesmerized! Awie's and Adibah's voices were stunningly extraordinary. They are truly gifted! As they took their voice to the high pitch, I kept on wiping the tears from streaming. MasyaAllah, subhanaAllah were uttered as I heard their mesmerising voices. And Hans... oh this lad can sing too! Rahman-Hughes must be proud of him and I am proud of him. I told him the day I bought the ticket that I am pretty sure Hans has good voice as a singer and he kept on telling me about his nervousness singing on stage as that is not his cup tea... Yesterday, I did not see that he was nervous at all. The voice was deep and capturing. Ramli Hassan who acted as the Tan Sri had a classic deep and manly voice some similarity to Suhaimi Meor Hasan's. When he sang I touched my chest like clutching my heart... oh lovely, lovely voices!

The messages of the show were obvious and profound. My boys understood it, they know it's about family bonding, integrity, caring and spirit of hardwork must be instilled... they understood the love message better though! Idris at one point asked me: Mommy, that Mat Saleh guy (Harith Iskander) at the end of the show gave money to the security guards... that is rasuah (bribery). isn't it? I nodded and told him: Clever, Adik!

Adam liked Vanida's role as CJ. He's kindda have some crush on her and insisted that we took his photo with her. Idris loved Awie's role as a brother who relied on his big brothers a lot. I think he felt it like his character... He said: I want to take photo with Jojo (Awie)... I liked him. He's cute! And oh yes! Awie is a real cute guy... I never have an up close and personal moments with him so when we had the chance to meet face-to-face during the autograph time, I notice that he is a charming guy. No wonder so many had been broken-hearted! Hahaha

MH was laughing and clapping his hands on the entire show. We oohhed and aahhhed many times admiring their funny acts. We gave a lot of standing ovations to these talented actors and actresses. When the photo shooting took place, MH volunteered to be the man behind the camera... that's why you many of my faces but not his...

Beacuse of the budget limit, I booked for the cheapest tickets and in the beginning my boys complained that we were too close to the stage (3 rows from the front) but then at the end they told me they had a closer view and appreciated it as they not only could see the actors funny acts but also funny faces too...

It was a good Sunday. Adam said: anyone needs to release the stress and have a good laugh, watch this how, must watch this show! Well... you have said it well, dear! MH said in the car on the way back: it was a real good show. We must thank Allah for giving us the chance to have this feel-good moment. The boys said: Alhamdulillah in unison!

The following photos speak about our enjoyment!

It was an endorphine-rush day. A good laugh day to make us all feel good, to make me feel good and forget the worry of the CT scan result...

The tears took the acid out of my body, the laughter boosts my cheerfulness. Thank you Hans, Afdlin, Awie, AC, Adibah, Vanida for making the makcik and pakcik (aunty and uncle) and their broods had a good time together.

Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have such a good laughter and to feel so much blessed!

Life beyond cancer is still awesome. SubhanaAllah!

This Face, This Body of Mine...

In many occasions, when I meet those who read my blog and know about my journey battling this cancer metastasis, they are surprised to see me. 'I look well, really well' would be their common phrase that they express after we exchange greetings.



I can't help but to thank God for the well-look that He bestows upon me. Not only that I am also feeling okay when the pain doesn't come and trouble me. But then again, with this look, some people find it hard to believe that I am in pain. Don't get me wrong, I am not troubled with them having trouble believing me. I am also not seeking attention and sympathy when I write about the pain and how stressful I become everytime the pain trouble me to act normally.



This well-look is a blessing from God. Despite the triple attacks, I am far from showing the frail-look and the expected cancer-stricken face. I may disappoint some people as their tone of voice carries a tinge of that frustration. I may make it worse when I carry the jovial mood in me and still able to laugh my heart out when I share some jokes with them about my battle. You see, I am now able to see some funny parts in my journey and I love to share them with my audience too when I conduct my talk. These funny parts that become a joke now is not to ridicule my battle but someone wise had said to me: If I can laugh about my down time, I can pull myself up to have a good life.



I am also having this disbelief issue with my loved ones. My relatives especially. The 3rd recurrent news broke their hearts and that made them visited me in tow. And when they saw me they were surprised to see how well I had carried myself about the spreading. It's not easy, it is never an easy battle but I have felt it too deeply that all this strength is God-given bless to me. When some failed to see me at home because I have worked back, they vented their frustration to my sisters: Well, she said she is undergoing chemo again, but how come she has started working back? May be they were thinking my condition deteriorates - 3 attacks must have worsened my condition - and expected that I was bed-ridden of sort.



My boys are also having some difficulties too. Last night, Idris saw me taking my Xeloda pills and he asked me: Mommy, what are those big pills? What are those for? I told him that those pills are my cancer pills and I have to consume them in order to kill the cancer cells in my body. Then he looked at me and blurted: But you look okay Mom... You can scold me already, so I know you are okay... (My boys always think correctly: when I am able to talk a lot - scolding always involves nagging - that means I am okay, when I am sick or in pain, I am quiet and always lost the mood to talk, what more to nag) I can't help it but laugh at his bold statement!



Yes, I am okay and despite the CT Scan result which is not yet out, I like to think that I am okay. No, I am not in the denial phase. I have come to terms with this enemy that lives in me. I hate the cancer, but because it carries a lot of blessings that change many things in my life, I am always thankful and grateful that God give me the insight to see it from that angle. Like the love stories, it is a hate-love scenes that make the relatiionship enriched.



At one point, when I tell people how cancer and its treatments have scrapped my savings, they too kindda difficult to believe it. Some friends joked to me that I must be having so much money, even with this disease, I still have so many bling-bling (gold jewellery) adorning my body. Hahahaha.... those are fake my dear! I just love to adorn myself and I feel good looking good. That good feeling is needed as it is the ignition to positive thinking. Also, I do have this rich-people face, I think. That's why people thought I am rich. Well that's true. I am rich with love. Not with money though. Hahahaha....



Well, I am writing not to defend myself. I am writing to share. That this kind of expressions - verbal and non-verbal - do become parts of the issues for cancer patients and survivors. I am okay with people's judgment, ain't they entitled to their opinion?


It's all the proof of what God keeps on reminding me: Which of the many bounty must I deny? My facial expressions, my body size, my well-being are the significant indicators that God still showers me with His many bounties. SubhanaAllaaah!

Thank you Allah!

Pink October: The BC Talk 2

The arrangement to conduct a presentation entitled: Kanser... Ya Allah! Tabahkanlah kami! in UiTM Segamat Johor was done in a perfect order. I thanked God that the slides preparation was on time and I had managed to email those slides to the in-charged staff before the day took place. My excitement began when the driver from the University called me up that he had arrived at the designated location for MH to lead him to my house. Friends normally get lost if they go by themselves to my house, so the designated location is always the KLIA Mosque.

My excitement peaked as we all reached the University's gate. Escorted to the rest house, The Ledang Inn, my little boy Idris said: Abang rugi tak ikut... best macam orang besar ada motor besar pandu kita... The hospitality was superb and I told MH: This is part of the rahmah that comes with this sickness, Allah blesses us by giving this experience. SubhanaAllah...We must thank Him, Darling.

I was told that the Corporate Affair Unit had problems getting the audience because there were 2 events of the same nature (about cancer awareness) organized outside the campus by a couple of NGOs. I told them: It is okay with me, it is meant this way but I also believe there is a hikmah in everything that happens.

Sincerely, I was very calm this time. Maybe because my excitement was high, I wasn't really concerned with the butterfly in my stomach. When I run through my slides in my room that night, I felt confidence slowly seeping in. After performing the necessary solat that night, I slept with reciting some zikirs asking God to ease my day, tomorrow.

We had a good breakfast at the Director of the Campus'(Prof MKI) house. Being the guest of the Director of the Campus, I received not only the top-notch hospitality but also a warm welcome. Both of them made me feel very much at home. And most of the staff, as they gave the welcoming hug, showed me the looks as if they have known me for long. That made me very much at ease. Again, it is His nikmat and of the many bounties that I must not deny!

MH and Idris sat at the back as I took the podium with the Director of the Campus. After he gave a brief introduction about me, I started my talk with a few lines of a poem that summarizes what cancer is to me. I trembled and tears welled in my eyes, because writing and saying are two different things. Saying it is making the experience comes to life and I felt it so strongly as I read the poem aloud.

As I tracked back my journey and how this battle has had shaped me into the person I am today, I brought the audience to some laughs and tears moments. My talk is a heavy topic and having the audience listening attentively and seeing each face feeling what I said, showed that the session was a worth hearing and sharing one. Truthfully, I felt the exchanging of knowledge and experiences between a couple of the audience with me strengthens the spirit to fight in us. It is in this battle that I learn to see and appreciate the bounties Allah gives and to keep on relying on Him to give me the strength to pursue life in a more enriching way.

This battle has humbled me to seek knowledge and made me understand about the greatest power of a prayer and about the miraculous tawakkal and redha. I don't have the scientific proof for all these but the calmness in me gushes a strong sensation that I'll be alright, insyaAllah.

After my event, I joined all them to welcome some 50 plus primary students who had cycled their bikes uphill to the university mosque, As-syakirin Mosque for an event called Jelajah Basikal. We had the solat zuhur together and it was in the mosque that God showed me that He had eased my difficulty as I could perform the solat in tertib (full order). Prior to that I had performed it by sitting down. Amazing moment it was that after solat as realization set in, I felt so humbled and I kept on saying SubhanaAllah, subhanaAllah... alhamdulillah...

Allah's love is indeed abundant. That day, I felt okay despite the many events that took place. Tiredness was replaced with thankfulness. Because that occasion was one in a million experience!

I told Prof MKI that I had learnt a lot from his book, 'Travelog Haji: Mengubah Sempadan Iman'... Reading the book gave a reflection of my battle too. As I allowed myself to travel in the character written in the book, I realized we both share the same paradigm shift. To me this journey battling cancer has become similar to his journey that I told him, this battle is my Travelog Ujian: Mengubah Sempadan Iman (to rephrase the title to suit my battle).

Where are the photos? Hahahaha... forgetful was a nature of mankind... indeed! I was not able to shoot any photo because I forgot the camera... and it was in my handbag, all the while.... Hopefully, I could get some photos from the University's Corporate Affair Unit so I can upload it here later...

Thinking and writing this part of an experience shoot my excitement level, again. Thrilled and overjoyed.... Thank you to all parties involved. Thank you Prof and Roza for the meaningful Saturday!

Prof Dr Muhd Kamil Ibrahim (Prof MKI) had written 2 entries about the talk. Please read here and here.

I just had my CT Scan this morning. It was a tiring day. The machine broke down so I had to wait for my turn longer as the hospital only relied on one machine. As usual, it was not a good experience as the drug was injected into my arm. Hot flushes rushed in the face, throat to every nerve that again, I thought I had accidentally peed. The throat lost the taste buds and I felt very much uncomfortable after that. I slept on my way back home and since been sleeping on and off.

I woke up to update my blog and had strawberries to munch, hoping it would take the indescribable taste in my throat away. I will know the result of the CT Scan on Nov 6.

Whatever the outcome, I know it will be the best for me... I will continue to keep on fighting... till I breathe last...

Pink October - The BC Talk 1

Giving talks pertaining to my journey battling cancer is not a new thing to me. Ergo, I should feel alright speaking publicly. But no, I was having problems sleeping last night because of the nervousness that attacked me. The mind wandered thinking about the audience and the right way to approach them. I don't want to sound that I seek sympathy nor that I gloat with the peacefulness that Allah has bestowed in me.

The nervousness conquered till this morning and I pushed my naughty mind away by creating a conversation with MH on the way to office this morning. After he dropped me off at Kelana Jaya LRT station, the butterfly in the stomach was making my tummy to be upset. At that time, I felt like I want to have the long nature call but alas, it was a mere trouble to the mind that caused the upset stomach.

So I sat down, took my Xeloda and my multivitamin pills and started meditating. I inhaled and exhaled and recited this powerful supplication: Ya Haiyyu, Ya Qayyuum, dengan rahmatMu aku mohon pertolonganMu. Sempurnakanlah semua urusanku dan jangan Kau serahkan diriku ini kepadaku walau untuk sekelip mata... Mudahkan urusanku, lancarkan lidahku, lapangkan dadaku...Ya Robbi, Ya Tuhanku...

I kept reciting it with surah Al-Insyirah and continued doing so in the train. Alhamdulillah, the upset stomach was gone and while I was in the cab, a small voice in me whispered: speak from the heart, like you always do....

I arrived at HKL at around 10 am and asked the direction to the auditorium from various security guards. HKL is like a second home to me and yet I still don't know where the auditorium is located. That's obvious because I was always visiting the clinics, the wards and not other places... hehehee

I sat down and looked around. Ah! Not many audience so it was not that bad. Then, the crowd started to grow. One by one entered the hall. I had my good educational sessions listening to the doctor and senior radiologist explaining about the mammogram and the process involved in making it the best mechanism to detect the masses or the peculiarity of the breasts. Alhamdulillah, I gained knowledge and appreciate the dedication that the professional staff contribute in making the mammogram process to be accurate.

The first cancer survivor was a staff nurse from HKL and she took less than 20 minutes to share her experiences. She was supposed to spare half hour and how could she talk in 20 minutes, my brain raced faster. I was informed that half hour was the allocated time for each one of us, so when she finished early, I had to occupy the empty slot to make it enriched. Worrying so much I was at that time, that when my name was called upon, I was not really listening.

Okay, here comes Mrs-Talk-A-Lot. Hahahaha... Indeed, that was me just now (now, don't you all give the microphone to me, do you hear?). As I spoke, my voice trembled reminiscing the moments that ripped my heart. I talked about the blessings that come with this trial, the changes in my life and in my family, the stronger love and bonding that we embrace and the strength I gain every time I thought I will fall down and crumple. I stressed about the human factor that I have gotten from the doctors and nurses, and they too become my supporting team to pull me up in my down time. They have become the meaningful society in my life. I truly appreciate the modern treatment that includes some empathy and active listening between doctor and patients.

I was glad I managed to get the attention from the audience. I looked at each one of them and saw them feel me. Over half hour I brought them down the memory lane and as I concluded my talk. I told them that we need more passion in the doctors and nurses so that we the patients won't feel like we are alone to brace the difficult time. I felt so relieved that Allah eased my presentation well.

My doctor, my surgeon was there. Some nurses that attended to me when I was hospitalised were there too. I had a good time, letting off the steam from boiling in me. I had a good time sharing with them and cried a tear or two but hey, this is RG the Drama Queen, how can she not cry when God blesses her with tears that won't get dried out? Hahahaa

It is indeed one of the blessed days in my life. Okay, one talk is down and another one to go. That coming one is an Intellectual Lecture series, so I must make it as presentable as possible. The powerpoint slides are prepared, and all I need to do is to tighten some knots here and there before I email it to the technical staff to have ready on their system when I go to UiTm Segamat this coming 24th.

Ya Robb...please ease me...

Pink October

With the Pink spirit to live up the specialty of the October month, I do a little make-over to my blog so it wears Pink dress too for this month. October is the month for Breast Cancer Awareness, an international acknowledgement with many events adorning Pink are organized everywhere. These events are organized to show support to all BC patients and survivors. It takes more than that, at least from my point of view.

I have one question to all of you my brothers and sisters... What have you done to show that you are in tow with many of us? Some of you may give a generous contribution, some give unwavering support to the events, some join as volunteers, in short many of you have shown the sensitivity and your tender loving hearts to tell us you are with us fighting this battle to. I applaude and thank many of you who have done so and I pray that God grants many more bounties in your life.

I have been sharing my stories, my journey battling the big C which started with breast cancer for quite a while now. All with one intention: In the name of Allah I want to move a soul (if not many) to love their body more and have it checked for breast cancer...

Have you done this my dear?

This month is the BC awareness month and it literally means we have to be aware of the existence of breast cancer that can take away a greater toll of our quality life. Breast cancer can happen to anyone of us, regardless of age, race and religion. When I was diagnosed with BC in 2004, my dad explained it to his friends who had heard about my sickness that I get the 'Sakit Raja' (Sickness of the Royal Blood). I asked my dad why he termed it that way, and he told me it was because a long time ago, not many were aware about this sickness and the rarity of the sickness made it termed that way. Like only the king would get this cancer thingy. Special sickness - in short.

However, at present, we hear about cancer as something rampant. Someone who was yesterday healthy as a horse can shock us with the news today that he/she is diagnosed with breast cancer. Breast cancer is so popular to occur in woman and it does hit men too. I have encountered a man expressing his orthodox thinking when he said: Oh I am a man and I don't have breasts so I won't get breast cancer! I was appalled with his remarks but I felt a greater challenge to explain more to many more people like him.

I can list the negative remarks about what I have heard when I urged people to go and have the mammogram checks. Some are the dishearthening ones like I'm a good person, sure God won't punish me with such a dreading sickness and Oh I watch my diet, I watch my social life, I exercise and take a lot od supplements, I am pretty sure I won't get cancer really can fire me up but I have learnt along the way to screen and sieve some remarks so that they won't in any manner turn into a neagtive energy in me. It's not an easy call... that's what I consider...

If you have had someone in your family suffering from breast cancer or if you have friends fighting a battle like me, please show me that you love yourself too. Go do mammogram checks, please... take your wife, take your mother dear all... If it can happen to me or them, it can happen to you too...

Just a little update about my health:

I am still having the flu and coughs but they are not affecting my movement so far, I am taking everything slower and making sure I have enough rest at the end of the day. Yesterday, the gardening had perked up some good energy in me this morning. The Qi Gong Healing has helped boosting blood circulation to my legs and fingers. The hands, palms and insoles have turned very dark coloured but as long as they don't feel so tight, that's a great blessing to me...

I am preparing myself for the talks in HKL - 20th October and in UiTM Segamat - 24th October 2009. Meet me there if you have time to spare...

I will have my 4th chemo cycle this Friday after the blood test and a CT Scan on the 26th October to find out if the cancer cells in the liver have regressed with the attacks from this chemo drug - Xeloda pills.

Until the next entry, I urge you again to show me that you are aware of the wickedness of breast cancer by having your breasts checked...

Take care and God bless!

A Good Feeling Indeed!

Nothing is more meaningful than having a good moment with my family, with my husband MH especially. Everyday is a special day for us. Sometimes the mood is in its down turn but I have learned to have a good control of my emotion nowadays. I am thankful to MH and the boys for giving me the joy, I am thankful to Allah for giving me all of them.

I like to be in my positive mood. My positive mood has a good attraction to my innerself. And when I am in the good mood, I can forget the pain. I can take charge of my emotions. But then again, I cannot do it without the help from Allah SWT. Every prayer is included with the needs and the requests that He bestows me His greatest assistance, to ease my pain, to make me stronger, to make me His humble servant, to make me a person who acknowledges His blessings that He showers in my daily life.

If you look at my face, I do not look like I am in pain. Some people gave me the sceptical look when I told them that the chemo has caused some bad pain on my joints, knuckles, lower back and legs. I am okay with what they projected on their face or in the tone of voice because I know it is Allah that has helped me to have a cheerful face. To me, what matter most is how I dwell with my pain. To think of the pain as a slowing mechanism, and to seek forgiveness to Allah. I am yet an alim person, still far from it and still learning to be istiqomah in my Ibadaah... All I am asking from God is to consider my small deeds as an amal (good deeds) and let not all the Mazmumah factors invade my heart. I do not want to be considered as boasting or bragging, I do not want my writing or my sharing contains some tone of riyak and takabbur... If there is a tinge of it, I seek forgiveness from you again Ya Robb...

I am still in my Hari Raya mood. I will write something about BC Awareness month in the next entry. At the moment, I just want to share my weekend happenings with all of you. Last Sunday, green was the theme. Green is my favourite colour. So both of us were in our green attire. We visited my best friend Pah and some other friends and of course we went to Amcorp Mall to do our rounding... MH loves to collect die-cast planes and this seller only come on Sundays so we would visited him and next to him is a chinese man selling some potted plants. I bought Basil and purple-flowered Misai Kucing plants from him. While MH shared his views about planes, I talked about plants with this chinese man. So far, my Pecah Beling, Sambung Nyawa, Aloe Vera, white-flowered Misai Kuching, Daun Tujuh Bilah, Lavender plants I bought from him and they have grown in my yards. They are my therapy. My gardening therapy. When I tend to my garden, I wash a few leaves of those plants (in odd numbers, either 1, 3, 5 or 7 - why is that so? I have no idea, I just do it that way) and after reciting Bismillah 5 and Selawat to Rasulullah SAW I just chew them. Bitter or whatever the taste, I have become tolerant to it.

After Amcorp Mall, MH suggested we went to Subang Parade. What a good idea it was because as I walked into the shopping complex I heard a familiar voice over a loud speaker thanking everyone... Adibah Noor's voice! I leaned over there balcony and saw the handsome face of Hans Isaac... I asked MH: Where are you all going to? When he said he wanted to take the boys to Parkson and Toy R Us, I told him I wanted to have my 'celebrity time' with THAT handsome man... can ahhh darling? He said okay take your time... That answer was what I wanted to hear!

Dengan hati berbunga-bunga (With a heart blossoming with joy) I rushed down the escalator and saw Afdlin Shauki too... Yee Haaa... all my favourite actors were there! They were promoting the event: Cuci The Musical which will be staged in Istana Budaya from 23 October to early Nov... I went to the ticketing counter to request for the 4 tickets for 1 Nov Matinee show. The boys have been asking me when are we going to Istana Budaya again and I think this is a good chance since I'll hear Hans Isaac singing... Whoa Hooo Hoo...

I didn't want to miss the opportunity to have the moment framed in my photo albums. I told the charming-friendly men, these photos will go into my FaceBook Album and into my blog... So here you go folks, my moments with them, Afdlin Shauki, Hans Isaac, Yasmin Yusuf and Adibah Noor. Samantha Schubert had declined to have her photo taken. By the way she is the publicist for the event. You want to be the audience too? Go to http://www.axcess.com.my/.

These guys must be wondering...who is this makcik (aunty) in the Jubah and had been pot-pet-pot-pet like a friendly neighbour... hahaha

Afdlin: Thank you for making my day!

Adibah: You are such a wonderful lady, my dear!

Hans: You are Da Man, bro!

Kak Yasmin: Glad to have you again dear! Yeah, We met a long time ago when I worked in one advertising company and you supply us the Talents for our ads production.

The Long Retreat...

I have been in a long retreat, not because I was not well but because I felt this Ramadhan and Eidul Fitri were a very special ones. God has given me His great love and strength that I was able to enjoy and savour the auspicious months. I felt the joy and hugs I received attending families and friends have in a great way to boost my spirit. May Allah accept all our good deeds and Ibaadah...

My sister-in-law and her 2 broods had her Raya celebrations with us. That added to my joy and seeing them happy being here celebrating Raya in a kampong style doubled my happiness. My boys were happy having them around and even though the visitations were packed, we were happy in fact the happiness had brushed away the tiredness. So much blessings Allah gave us all do far. Many moments I felt so moved and touched to be given the time to really enjoy Hari Raya this year.

MH and I had decided that we learn to have this enjoyment for the life we have today and if we still have each other tomorrow, the enjoyment and appreciation of what we have will continue. This could be our last Raya together so we better make it the best for everyone. Last year we said the same thing too and we made last Raya the best for us. We are not hoping death to come and rob the best moments we have. Death is the promise as the ending for all living. No body is mortal so don't take it as if I have given up life. We are saying that because we want to live to the fullest and learn to make the best out of the worse situation we have at the moment.

We don't want to regret not doing or saying what we want to say to each other while we are all still around.

First Raya we had our day occupied by visiting the elderly from both my Mak and bapak's side. I still have some of my grand dad's sibling around. You can imagine how aged they have become if my dad is now 66 and mak 62. Still, many of them are agile and able to recognise me. We visited like 30 houses and called it a day by 10pm that day.

Second day Raya was visiting MH's side. To visit Arwah Mak Mahyar's siblings in Rawang, Sungai Buaya and Tg Malim. We convoyed in 7 cars and that visit alone could really rock a house... What matter most on that occassion is the satisfaction that we can relive the legacy that Mak Mahyar always looked forward to and did on the 2nd Raya.

The third Raya we visited arwah Abah's side in Kuala Selangor and it was a moment to remember to be able to visit Mak and the 10 orphans that she had looked after at Rumah anak-Anak Yatim Tunas Harapan...I owed Mak and all brothers and sisters many visits (I am supposed to visit them, not they visit me)... They have been out of the loop for some years especially after Abah passed away. We don't forget them, I have them in my heart and prayers. It was in that day I asked forgiveness from Mak deeply for not able to visit her. Thank God, it is the blog that I found my step sister - Azlina. Through her we get connected back, through her Mak is informed about my health condition. Ina, akak sayang Ina... and semua adik beradik...

The forth Raya was spent resting at home. My son sent some texts to friends saying that I was not at home because he wanted me to rest as the next day we would organize my niece's birthday. I had asked my sister to cook fried mee hoon and chicken curry for me and ordered Roti Jala from a neighbour. My mother helped me with the Nasi Impit (cube rice cake). Truth be told, I did feel so tired after the 3 days going around in full joy. The mind and heart was full in spirit, but the physical capacity was not... By the 4th day, the body got weakened. Thank god, so many were helping me...

The one day rest was charging my body in full capacity back. By the Birthday bash, I was feeling okay already. Up and about attending to the families coming during the celebration. Seeing the birthday Girl happy made me happy. It was a packed event, by the time all visitors left, I lunged on the sofa and dozed off.

Daphne's Mom called to mention about her coming to KL and she brought some Pomelos with her. Hearing that she took with her the Ipoh Limau tambun (Pomelos) made me jump alive and kicking! I told MH and that night we went to see Molly (Daphne's Mom) to get the sweet, juicy pomelos. Nothing beats like Limau Tambun Ipoh, I tell ya!

Friday was the hospital day. Blood test for the third chemo. So far everything went well. Got the appointment date for CT scan to see if the Xeloda drugs are able to make the cancer cells regressed. The CT Scan day will be on the 26th October. Some events are scheduled to take place before that day too. I have given a confirmation to give a talk about my experience in HKL on 20th October and in UiTM Segamat under its Intellectual talk topic of Survivorship entitled 'Kanser... Ya Allah tabahkanlah kami' on 24th October. I am looking forward to all these events and invites all of you to join me on these occassions.

The Qi Gong (pronounced as Chi kung) healing has worked wonders to me. The coping with pain is well tolerated. Since having qi gong, the pain in some joints has lessened greatly. The unblocking of the body's meridians does not onle improves my blood circulation but also makes me more energetic. The deep sleep improves and the lethargy is almost gone. I am now able to do housechores that require longer squatting and bending too... But I know, I must not exert myself in doing the house chores. I am tolerating the process of undergoing chemo as sometimes the head can just spin and become as heavy as a log and at other time it is the lowerback that is squeezing and throbbing... The pain can just come as they like, but I am not giving them in. No, not yet.


All in all I am feeling alright. As much as I am feeling okay, I am assured that Allah is always closer and blanketing me with His great loving mercy and strength whenever I quiver in fear and worry. His great love is deeply felt and it won't be this strong if not because of the prayers all of you have sent from near and far. I am so much blessed that I can make this blog, my home of love laden prayers from all of you regardless of your faith, race and religion. It is a mutual feeling and sharing between us. I can only offer a prayer in return for your good and kind deeds. The prayers are the magnanimous wave of positivity that seeps deeper and stemmed stronger in me...I remember an advice: When you walk to Allah, He runs to you.... This is an indication of His great love... He gives me the ability to be with my loved ones without them feeling worry as they looked at me...

I am very much comforted during this chemo cycle. The concept of full acceptance has seeped deeper and makes me a person who understands that sickness is not a sign of torture or punishment. This sickness has opened my insight and with the support I gain from my family and all of you, Allah shows that cancer sickness doesnot take a life of a person. It teaches me to learn to enrich my life. It teaches me to see my life from a larger perspective. It teaches me to smile even though it is the dreading sickness invading my inner body. I am thankful to Allah for the many blessings... it is still coming in abundance. SubhanaAllah...

I hope I can upload the Eid photos in my facebook album. Until then, take care and God bless all of you.